It's a phase.

I learned something this week.

I learned that what I'd formerly thought of as "my best years" and also, "my life thus far" is actually referred to as "premenopause." I feel a little silly for not knowing my whole life was one giant lead-up to post-menopause.

Ladies! We have got to change the conversation with our female children! No longer should they be called little girls, they should henceforth be known as premenopausitas. No longer will there be any confusion as to gender of infant, toddler, child, tween, teens, young adults, "legal", twenty-something, thirty-something and early-forties. Those should have entirely male connotation.

It's liberating, no, my peri pals?

Incidentally, here's the same chart for men.



And this is my little slice of hell right now.

Footnote:
<> No young teen of Evangelical parents who had unprotected sex with multiple partners was EVER more happy to start their period then I was on that day.

Until next time my Premenopausitas, Peris and Postals.

Ode to Menopause.

There are 34 symptoms of menopause
As I uncovered, when searching the cause
Of hair loss most alarming

In addition to my visible balding
Flashes will come, I hear they are scalding
Though not particularly harming

My heartbeat might skip, my skin might itch
I might turn into even more of a bitch
My moods should be swinging

I may look forward to vaginal dryness
My symptomatic bad breath may lead to shyness
And my ears, like bells, could be ringing

I’ll probably lose all my libido
I’ll substitute sex with a massive burrito
And be panicked by the weight I am gaining

My tits will be sore, my period unreliable
Feelings of dread: totally justifiable
Body parts experience an increase in paining?

Headaches turn to migraines, joints all have aches
Shocks to my skin like mini earthquakes
And my tongue might feel like it’s burning

Tingling extremities could be the most action I see
And sometimes when I laugh, I might also pee
For the days of my youth I am yearning

Fatigue will engulf me, but at night I’m awake
The digestive problems aren’t at all fake
I’ll find myself tossing and sweating

During the day, I can’t concentrate
My memory sucks, allergies won’t abate
Dizziness follows, on that I am betting

My muscles are tense, my gums are bleeding
I bite brittle nails like a vampire feeding
How can I fathom the bloating?

These 33 things leave a lasting impression
Is it any wonder, the last symptom’s depression?
There must be men secretly gloating

Bald, smelly, achy and dry
Bitchy, frigid and prone to cry

This is no way I should be living!
Menopause, menopause … It just keeps on giving.